Vampire's Life-Ch2

[MsMeowzers]

(Tried to Improve.)
Kiwa handed us the shiny,bright red tokens."Now go tell Zakum to send his servants to Zero Mikuawa.He knows where every vampire in Kerning and Ellina is."
"OK," said Mika and I,excited.We'd get more flying practice!
Mika and I set up our rooms.I got a room with Shizuka,my crush.I didn't know what to say whenever I walked into the room.I stopped stiff,not being able to talk. "You okay Ask?" asked Shizuka.
"Y-y-yeah.I'm fine," I replied back nervously.
I got my bedside ready,that is a black and blood red bedsheet with my clan's vampire sign,a heart with a knife.
"Are you cold?" asked Shizuka,walking over towards me."You're awfully shivering."
She was right beside me,feeling my forehead.I was sweating,and I was feeling red.What to do,Ask!Think,your crush is in here,I told myself.
"Lets just rest.I've been busy too,I've had to memorize where I put all my stuff at, so on and so on," Shizuka said,Laying down on her side of the bed. "Besides,Its near day.We better sleep."
That night was the hardest night to sleep through.I couldn't sleep with my crush right by me.I only got about a hour of sleep.I also had a nightmare of another Vampire, approaching me and Shizuka steadily.
"W-w-who are you?!" I asked,scared.
"I am the murderer of your brother," said the female voice.It echoed in my head,and made me remember the day my brother was found dead,lying on the floor helplessly.
"Y-y-you killed Hameka?!" I asked,clenching my fists.
"Yes," said the voice.
"Well then,ILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU HARM ANYONE ELSE I LOVE!" I said furiously.
I dashed towards the other vampire,in my full vampire form.A force on my leg was tight.I looked down.Shizuka!She didnt want me to die.
"Don't Ask!You'll die like your brother!" said Shizuka,crying like a baby.
"Shizuka,I must do this.Do you want to die?I'd sacrifice my life for you," I replied back.I broke off Shizuka's grip.
__Now in my fully vampire form,I attacked with my blood covered arm.The figured pushed me to the ground.Then I woke up,to find I was being gripped tight by Shizuka.

Rate please.It may be bad because its late,and Im braindead when it's late.X.x

[kevx50]

Whoa nicly done very epic and Good Make more or better yet make it a maple series

[LeoWu]

WHY GOD WHY!!!!
(sarcasm)
...
Not more not less.
-_-
If you wine and complained
about how your nine
and then write another Chapter
like wtf.
Stop writing. Get better. THEN write agian.

[MsMeowzers]

WELL SO-RRY!
I didnt know you were the master critic!
If you have so much critisim,TAKE IT OFF ON SOMEONE OLDER THAN ME!
Besides,It was short because I was tired.
NOW GET OUT OF MY FANFICS.

[LeoWu]

Thats what i mean.
Excuses agian.
O_O
"Its late"
"I'm tired"
God -_-
Stop writing. Get better. THEN try again.

[jonlin]

I have a question for you.

which is better?

Untitled fanfic Preview

Jonny had just gotten home from school and couldn't wait to try out the new game his friends had told him about. It was called MapleStory and he had decided to become a pirate at first as they were apparently fun. He logged onto his computer, ignored a reminder to renew his virus protection and started up his Internet explorer. Once he had started Internet explorer up he typed in 'Mapleglobal.com' and clicked on create new account. He filled in his info, then clicked on the download button. He started up the download, saw it would take 2 hours and sighed.

"Jonathon! Do your homework!" Jonny's mom called up to jonny in his room.

"I don't have any!" yelled Jonny, annoyed. He then decided to check out a forum for maplestory and learn a little more about it while he waited. After a quick google search he found a website called 'AmpleMaple.com'. He signed up and went on the forums.

TWO HOURS LATER

"Finally, my download is done!" Jonny exclaimed. He opened the installer and quickly installed maplestory. Then he double clicked the new maplestory icon on his desktop to start it up. A window popped up, an auto patcher. Jonny had been told this would happen and had expected it. he clicked on PLAY and waited. Maplestory launched itself and asked him to put in a user and password. He did so and then made up a pin after. Finally he clicked on Bellocanth, his friend's world. He created a new character called T0pPirat3 and customized his hair to brown rebel and his eyes to a leisure look. Then he started with his new character and suddenly his character appeared on a platform next to a cartoon woman. He double clicked on the woman and a window popped up with her picture in the side. Jonny read her info and continued.

Jonny worked his way through the camp to the monsters. He quickly made his character attack and killed the monster. he then continued and finished his quest. finally he made his way out to maple island. He fought his way up to lvl 9 by making his character do quests and kill monsters and then went to the ship in southperry. he got on the ship and admired the open air on the way to victoria island.

Once Jonny got to victoria island he took a quiz to get stuff and then grabbed a taxi to the nautilus. When he got there he met up with Kyrin and became a pirate. He finally equipped his new knucklers and logged off.

Later when he went to sleep he seemed to wake up in a different world, completely fresh. He looked around at himself and with a shock saw he was his new character in - MAPLESTORY!

or

Kiwa handed us the shiny,bright red tokens."Now go tell Zakum to send his servants to Zero Mikuawa.He knows where every vampire in Kerning and Ellina is."
"OK," said Mika and I,excited.We'd get more flying practice!
Mika and I set up our rooms.I got a room with Shizuka,my crush.I didn't know what to say whenever I walked into the room.I stopped stiff,not being able to talk. "You okay Ask?" asked Shizuka.
"Y-y-yeah.I'm fine," I replied back nervously.
I got my bedside ready,that is a black and blood red bedsheet with my clan's vampire sign,a heart with a knife.
"Are you cold?" asked Shizuka,walking over towards me."You're awfully shivering."
She was right beside me,feeling my forehead.I was sweating,and I was feeling red.What to do,Ask!Think,your crush is in here,I told myself.
"Lets just rest.I've been busy too,I've had to memorize where I put all my stuff at, so on and so on," Shizuka said,Laying down on her side of the bed. "Besides,Its near day.We better sleep."
That night was the hardest night to sleep through.I couldn't sleep with my crush right by me.I only got about a hour of sleep.I also had a nightmare of another Vampire, approaching me and Shizuka steadily.
"W-w-who are you?!" I asked,scared.
"I am the murderer of your brother," said the female voice.It echoed in my head,and made me remember the day my brother was found dead,lying on the floor helplessly.
"Y-y-you killed Hameka?!" I asked,clenching my fists.
"Yes," said the voice.
"Well then,ILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU HARM ANYONE ELSE I LOVE!" I said furiously.
I dashed towards the other vampire,in my full vampire form.A force on my leg was tight.I looked down.Shizuka!She didnt want me to die.
"Don't Ask!You'll die like your brother!" said Shizuka,crying like a baby.
"Shizuka,I must do this.Do you want to die?I'd sacrifice my life for you," I replied back.I broke off Shizuka's grip.
__Now in my fully vampire form,I attacked with my blood covered arm.The figured pushed me to the ground.Then I woke up,to find I was being gripped tight by Shizuka.

?

I have a follow up statement once you have answered

[ashwintay]

3/5 its soso try to improve

[LeoWu]

3/5?
you crazy?
or just plain nooby (
tahts 6/10 O_O
Wtf?

[Zaylo]

My hand on the screen is bigger then the ammount of text, thats pretty sad. Im even on my freaking laptop.

Too many errors
Not Long
Lame Story
Vampires = Big No No

[chobbilight]

My hand on the screen is bigger then the ammount of text, thats pretty sad. Im even on my freaking laptop.

Too many errors
Not Long
Lame Story
Vampires = Big No No

your just a antivamp
but srsly...wtf?
vampires in maple
where did you get that from?

[synn90210]

more like vampires equal phail....there were never ever ever vampires in maple...there probly never will be....now please try to make your story somewhat relavant to the maple world.

[MsMeowzers]

-_-
Working on about a....
I unnno,5 paraghraph one next.