The Four Warriors-Chapter1

[Lucario7777777]

Chapter1
Logan
Once upon a time there was a person. He was five years old. He was blue and weighed one hundred nineteen pounds. He was called Logan. One morning he woke up.
His mom came in yelling, “Son, I have wonderful news!"
"What is it, mom," Logan asked.
"You have been chosen," his mom replied.
"Chosen for what?" Logan asked.
"For the four warriors," his mom answered.
"What four warriors?" Logan asked.
"The four warriors are the four people chosen to go out and save the world of monsters and help people who need help," his mom replied happily. "You will most likely never see me again."
Yoshi
Once upon a time there was a person. He was six years old. He was green and looked like a dinosaur. He was called Yoshi. One morning he woke up, knowing that he would be one of the four warriors in a few days. The next day he packed.
“You can’t take these!” his mom said looking at his bag. “You can’t take this bag or this kitchen sink, they’re not expensive enough!”
He arrived at the place they meet two hours early because he was rich and used a limo. He had a bag made of gold that was ten feet tall and ten feet wide.
Louie
Once upon a time there was a person. He was four years old. He had a spacesuit on and had a red thing sticking out of his head. His name was Louie. One morning he woke up, knowing he would be one of the four warriors. He arrived at the place to meet at one minute before it started. He had a bag that was pretty small.
Tails
Once upon a time there was a person. He was seven years old. He was brown and had three tails. His name was Tails. One morning he woke up, knowing he would be one of the four warriors. He was very poor, so he woke up right next to the place to meet right when it started. He had a very small bag made of cloth.
The Next Day
Logan knew was the day to leave. He got up and packed all of the stuff he wanted to take. His mom walked in.
“Let me see what’s in there,” she said.
“Okay,” Logan said handing her the bag.
“You can’t take all of this stuff!” his mom yelled. “You can’t take the kitchen sink, the TV, and the radio.”
“But mom,” Logan said.
“No buts,” his mom said.
“So I can’t take my butt either?” Logan asked.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” his mom said. “You have to go now.”
So Logan left the house.
He headed towards the edge of the town. He had heard that the mayor was there. The mayor was going to release the four warriors out of the town. Logan couldn’t believe he was picked. He thought there was a mistake and that he would come and the four warriors would already have left.
He was almost there when he heard the mayor say, “We are here with the four warriors, but one of them isn’t here yet. I hope he gets here soon. He must be running late.”
Logan ran towards the mayor.
He made it to the mayor and said, “Hi Mr. Mayor, I’m sorry I’m late. I had to pack this morning.”
“That’s okay, you’re only two hours late,” the mayor said.
“Will I have a new name for being in the four warriors?” Logan asked.
“Yes, you will,” the mayor said. “And you will forget your old one. Everyone will forget your old name but remember you.”
“What is it?” Logan asked.
“I can’t tell you,” the mayor said. “You will find out at your first location to go to.”
“How will we know that?” Logan asked.
“I don’t know,” the mayor said. “You will find out.”

[jonlin]

DOT
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Please ask someone who knows proper grammer to check it over before you post it. Please.

[poke1024]

DOT
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Please ask someone who knows proper grammer to check it over before you post it. Please.

exactly

[Lucario7777777]

Plz point out the incorrect grammer. I ran it through spell check on word.

[jonlin]

Chapter1


Logan
Once upon a time there was a person. He was called Logan. One morning he woke up. He was five years old. His mom came in yelling," Son, I have wonderful news!" "What is it, mom," Logan asked. "You have been chosen," his mom replied. "Chosen for what?" Logan asked. "For the four warriors," his mom answered. "What four warriors?" Logan asked. "The four warriors are the four people chosen to go out and save the world of monsters and help people who need help," his mom replied. "You will likely never see me again."
this is not fluent or correct, I would write something like:

One time there was a five year old boy named logan. One day, His mom came into his room, yelling, "Son, I have wonderful news!"

Logan then asked "What is it mom?"

"You have been Chosen!" His mom replied.

Confused, Logan asked "What have I been chosen for mom?"

So excited she could barely speak, his mom squeaked out, "The four Warriors!"

Even more confused then ever, Logan asked in a daze, "Who and What are the Four Warriors?"

Calming down a little so that she could speak, Logan's mom explained, "Logan, The Four Warriors are people who are chosen by a town and go out into the world, killing monsters and helping people in need. Unfortunately, I will most likely not see you ever again."

This is JUST the first paragraph being edited. see how much longer it is? and how much talking you have?
Word and other spell checkers, do NOT make you start a new paragraph when someone else talks, I should have mentioned this. Also your story needs more description and detail to make people feel more like they are there, watching the scene. I know I can't do that yet either, but you need to have more more detail then a few conversations and "He was rich so he arrived two hours early in a limo"

[Lucario7777777]

Um... too bad? It is my fanfic. If you want to make fun of me more see the fanfic on my site

[jonlin]

DOT
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Please ask someone who knows proper grammer to check it over before you post it. Please.

even on your own site. I read JUST the prologue. I couldn't bear to read anymore.

[Lucario7777777]

You really are going down on my friends list. i thought you could get back up.
1.Chobbi
2.Poke
3.Darkauro
4.Zeno
5.Jonlin
6.Whirled Tactics
7-20.Lucario as placeholders

[chobbilight]

lmao............like jonlin cares about it hes anoying

[synn90210]

idk....it has potential.....it just wasnt pulled off right

[poke1024]

idk....it has potential.....it just wasnt pulled off right

yea, if it were like mine, u wouldnt be that much critized by jonlin

[Zaylo]

my eyes... they bleed


Paragraphs, use them

[playa4life01]

what zaylo said
when writing sumthing dont forget to use paragraphs they make the layout thingie look much better
and its easier to read and stuff

[chobbilight]

my eyes... they bleed


Paragraphs, use them

yes hes blind lets kill him before its 2 late

[LeoWu]

Omg i beg you to stop writing. i dont wanna say anything more.

but i do wanna point out it was kinda funny how you said
"Your going down on my buddy list"
I was like laughing so hard.
Anyways PLEASE stop writing.


And playa If you wanna give people advice
i think you should Give more detail.
Layout thingy? I barely under
stood what you were saying .

[Lucario7777777]

I will continue I already have chp.2 up and chps.3-6 are ready.