Maplestory

As a young boy I fixed things in my Grandpa Cedric's shop and I played with my friends too. One day I decided to go to the circus and I bought my ticket and went to give it to the ticket botth person a little red-headed boy ran off with my ticket.I thought "No I payed alot of work money for that ticket and I ran after the boy.He hid behind a hot dog cart and behind some plants but just after I tripped him and got the ticket back and said"Hey why did you steal my ticket"? and he answer"I just wanted to see the show and I didn't have enough money to go".I felt bad so I gave him the ticket and he backed up but turned around and said"you have passed the test". and I was said"woah,what whered he go" as I looked back there was red dust with the ticket on the ground. I walked up and grabbed the ticket and ran to the show.

Everyone was in front of me so I ran over to the trapeeze pole and climbed up for a better view.Then I heard the ringmaster's voice and he said"I NEED THAT PENDANT YOU LAZY FOOL"!!! I went back there and hid by the railing and it was the mayor and he was scraed by the clown.He was mumbling something about not finding it and he looked everywhere.Then as I turned around I knocked over a milk can and the ringmaster turned around and said"The pendant get it you fools".then these clowns were chasing me and trying to steal my necklace and I ran away to my friend Donny's underground hideout to run away from the clowns.

I went down there and Donny wasn't there so I just kept exploring through the underground water system and wanted to see the outside world with my own eyes and find my parents.


Hopefulluy you like it from Jake

Part two is comeing soon

PUT.A.NEW.LINE.WHEN.PEOPLE.START.TO.TALK.
This is what you did:

KanameKuran10 wrote:As a young boy I fixed things in my Grandpa Cedric's shop and I played with my friends too. One day I decided to go to the circus and I bought my ticket and went to give it to the ticket botth person a little red-headed boy ran off with my ticket.I thought "No I payed alot of work money for that ticket and I ran after the boy.He hid behind a hot dog cart and behind some plants but just after I tripped him and got the ticket back and said"Hey why did you steal my ticket"? and he answer"I just wanted to see the show and I didn't have enough money to go".I felt bad so I gave him the ticket and he backed up but turned around and said"you have passed the test". and I was said"woah,what whered he go" as I looked back there was red dust with the ticket on the ground. I walked up and grabbed the ticket and ran to the show.

When it should be this:

KanameKuran10 wrote:As a young boy I fixed things in my Grandpa Cedric's shop and I played with my friends too. One day I decided to go to the circus and I bought my ticket and went to give it to the ticket booth person.A little red-headed boy ran off with my ticket.I thought "No,I payed alot of work money for that ticket" and I ran after the boy.

He hid behind a hot dog cart and behind some plants but just after I tripped him and got the ticket back and said"Hey,why did you steal my ticket?"

He answered,"I just wanted to see the show and I didn't have enough money to go."

I felt bad,so I gave him the ticket and he backed up but turned around and said"You have passed the test."

I said"Woah,where did he go?" as I looked back there was red dust with the ticket on the ground. I walked up and grabbed the ticket and ran to the show.

I also fixed some sentences.You had:

Example said,"Text text text".

When it should be:

Example said "Text text text."

Improve your writing.

Hey Yuki, you should post stuff like that in my FF.

What? WHAT? MsMeow beat me to correcting someone :O

anyways, what she said, and try to correct your spelling/grammar. what she said is part of grammar.

for example,

"if you use quotation marks you put the appropriate sentence ender (period, etc.) inside the quotation marks."

"not outside like this".

Then Jonlin replied "All words to describe how someone is talking are past tense or Occasionally present."

Chobbilight answer "you did this once and present tense is rare, used in situations like,"

You heard jonlin whisper to his friend "this, and mainly 2nd person POV."

too lazy to write out all your errors, look for them yourself.

And that was at like 1 am.
Wow.

MsMeowzers wrote:And that was at like 1 am.
Wow.

LOL.
Next time, read my ffs at 1 am....

EmberSparks wrote:

MsMeowzers wrote:And that was at like 1 am.
Wow.

LOL.
Next time, read my ffs at 1 am....

I was listening to a Heian Alien remix called Floating Darkness...
I better listen to that at 1 am.It gets me wide awake.

MsMeowzers wrote:PUT.A.NEW.LINE.WHEN.PEOPLE.START.TO.TALK.
This is what you did:

KanameKuran10 wrote:As a young boy I fixed things in my Grandpa Cedric's shop and I played with my friends too. One day I decided to go to the circus and I bought my ticket and went to give it to the ticket botth person a little red-headed boy ran off with my ticket.I thought "No I payed alot of work money for that ticket and I ran after the boy.He hid behind a hot dog cart and behind some plants but just after I tripped him and got the ticket back and said"Hey why did you steal my ticket"? and he answer"I just wanted to see the show and I didn't have enough money to go".I felt bad so I gave him the ticket and he backed up but turned around and said"you have passed the test". and I was said"woah,what whered he go" as I looked back there was red dust with the ticket on the ground. I walked up and grabbed the ticket and ran to the show.

When it should be this:

KanameKuran10 wrote:As a young boy I fixed things in my Grandpa Cedric's shop and I played with my friends too. One day I decided to go to the circus and I bought my ticket and went to give it to the ticket booth person.A little red-headed boy ran off with my ticket.I thought "No,I payed alot of work money for that ticket" and I ran after the boy.

He hid behind a hot dog cart and behind some plants but just after I tripped him and got the ticket back and said"Hey,why did you steal my ticket?"

He answered,"I just wanted to see the show and I didn't have enough money to go."

I felt bad,so I gave him the ticket and he backed up but turned around and said"You have passed the test."

I said"Woah,where did he go?" as I looked back there was red dust with the ticket on the ground. I walked up and grabbed the ticket and ran to the show.

I also fixed some sentences.You had:

Example said,"Text text text".

When it should be:

Example said "Text text text."

Improve your writing.

That's the way i write my Story by using the Examples you have written up there.
But its not necessary i did it so people can read it Easily. He can write his story's
anyway he want and your not suppose to tell him what to do.
It'll ruin his FF and not to mention the Criticism is from you. BTW if your going to tell
someone to improve their writing. Then tell them Who what your opinions are to prove that
what you think would be better for his FF. Dont just say
"Improve your writing" oh yea, Try not to be too mean.
Hes only a starter. Winks*

whispers* [Gosh im such a Hippocratic]
Kaname
Don't get upset if you think you did a bad job.
I think you did great for your first time.
and about the Talking and all
many authors do it as

He spat out a bloodcurling scream as the blood that had splattered out
from his vains had slowly melted into nothing.
"What are you doing!" She Screamed

He Couldn't reply, his throat was stuck as if his insides were
trying to make their way out.

many other authors might do it as:

The Clock ticked. Slowly, rhythmically. He started at the ceiling.
"Liam! Come out you coward!" Gun shots fired.
Liam Was Scared, Although he didnt want to be called coward.
...

You can do it many different ways. its up to you.
:)

P.S oh yea Meowers.
You made a mistake at the end you didn't
"PUT.A.NEW.LINE.WHEN.PEOPLE.START.TO.TALK." instead you mixed it in
with a buncha other words.
When you give Criticism/Insult to people remember,
always do it correctly your self.
or else...
You get the point.

Don't double post Leo.

Gatorade wrote:Don't double post Leo.

O_O
that was random. O_O

LeoWu wrote:

Gatorade wrote:Don't double post Leo.

O_O
that was random. O_O

LOL yea it was