Maplestory

Knights of Cydonia Chapter 3

As me and my father were following the nobleman I realize very many different sorts of weapons like a very long shining sword with a nice black leather grip lased with silver around the seams also a shining rim of pure gold, as I look across the blade I realize that the shade of pink on the blade fades darker and darker as it reaches the top. Another sword I saw was particularly thick the blades rims we the shiniest silver I have ever seen and the blade itself was pitch black like a starless night sky. The handle looked so soft that it would make so easy to hold along with long orange rims it seemed as though the blade could be wielded by 4 men. And then there was a blade that really caught my eye as I stared at its elegant stature everything else around it turned black and eventually all I could see was the sword. The blade was white as snow with some sort of ancient writing I’ve never seen the rim of the handle had a golden dragon face with long gold wings on either side. The bottom of the handle was gold and pointing downward with a sharpened tooth. Around the blade was an aura of fire.

Pay attention boy!

My dad interrupted my thought and everything was back to normal.

We are here.

The nobleman interrupted. We came to a stop at a fairly big red door with silver rims in some sort of insignia around it. As we walked into the room I realized fires lit all around it and a giant table in the middle with a really large book on it.
Grendel! You have visitors.
Out of a black corner in the room out came a man in a long white flowing robe, a long blue crystal is his left hand and a staff in his right. His face is hidden by a long white had with what seem to be fluffy balls around the seams, and then he raises his hat and reveals the face of the man named Grendel.
Ok! What can I do for you folks today?
We need the test of truth to be done on my son here, my father interrupted
Ok let’s get to work then. Grendel quickly replied.
The old man raised his staff and then a cold breeze came upon the room and the pages of the book flipped so fast I couldn’t see in between each page. Then the wind quickly stopped and the pages stopped as well.
Step forward boy.
I walked up to the book.
Now read from here...to here. Grendel said as he points his wrinkly worn down fingers from one part of the page to another.
So I began to read.
I swear by the oath of Cydonia that I will form this point on protect and worship with all my soul.
I give my life to Cydonia and all who inhabit it

Once I was finished reading the segment I felt power rush through my body shortly after a blue glowing ring appeared around me I can feel myself becoming lighter until my feet come off the ground.
As I’m floating above this glowing ring I see small orbs fly out from the perimeter of the ring,
I feel myself getting stronger and stronger until finally it stops and I’m back on the ground I check around me and nothing seems to be different......

The next day.....

Wake up boy your first day of school is today. I hear from my father.

School? Oh crap!

To be continued.... please rate from 1-10

Pro !!!!

ummm.... good but I have a few suggestions.

QUOTATION. MARKS. AROUND. SPEECH.
not the best but your spelling and grammar was okay. for example, instead of me and my father, my father and I.
also, about your paragraphs, It's fine to start a new one when someone new talks, but you could have made

Pay attention boy!

My dad interrupted my thought and everything was back to normal.

We are here.

into

improved paragraph wrote:"Pay attention boy!" My dad interrupted my thought and everything snapped back into reality, "We're here."

Finally, try to give characters a personality, for example, instead of.

nublet wrote:
We need the test of truth to be done on my son here, my father interrupted

it could be

jonlin's version wrote:
My father arrogantly strode forward, head bobbing as though he were a rooster, and interrupted grendel saying, "My son will take the test of truth"

or if he is meek

jonlin's version #2 wrote:
My father seemed as though he wanted to interrupt grendel but in the end he just ended up scratching the back of his left hand, a bad habit he had when he got nervous, which was often, and once grendel was finished said, "C-could My son take the test of truth?"

or if grendel is respected,

jonlin's version #3 wrote:
After waiting respectively for grendel to finish, standing still in that way only a few could, My father said softly, "I would like for my son to take the test of truth."

that's all for now. I'm sorry I'm not good at rating stuff out of 10 so I won't. but it was good.

Zaylo and jonlin and LeoWu best ff people.

jonlin the father didnt say we are here... the little nobleman did

Lol.....criticizing jonlin,don't do that.

your threads will be continually locked until quotation marks are used.