the 5 items of maple part 1

[zach132]

The story starts off in the nautlis where maple just finished sealing a hole in it.
''its about time'' maple said
"ok you can go home now maple'' So maple goes home and watches tv until he has to pick up his two kids (twin, and rican) from school...but instead he gets a phone call from twin.
"so twin said he was reading in library class and a book said every 1000 years a strange rock pops up in the middle of sleepy wood and stays there for 2 weeks.''
''ya so" said maple
then twin said "well it says there are 5 items that if someone puts around the rock a evil maple god will come!" "still i dont get why this is so important." maple said "well it said the last time it happened was 1009 so its gonna happen in 3 days!" "holy crap this could be dangerous we have to get the family and try to get those 5 items so that thing doesnt get summoned!" said maple

But while he was talking on the phone some bullies (carmon rapheal and angelo) at school overheard them
and they said
"wow a maple god happening in 3 days guys that could get our dad outta jail!" said rapheal
"no crap " said angelo
But while they where talking twin herd them too so
he whispers in the phone "dad i think someone already wants to get the items"
"what that fast who?!" said maple"
these bullies at school they heard us talking and now they wanna get the items to get there dad outta jail!" said twin
"well trie to stop them hit them or something " said maple
"i cant i could get expelled from school " said twin
"ok well imma come pick you up now ok bye" said maple

So maple goes to his school to pick him up early with rican and explan it to him. So instead of running to leafre orbis and all the other places the family is they just called them and told them to meet at maple's house.
"So everyones here?" said maple
ok rican you may only be 10 years old but you can still help with this twin if we ever split up ur the leader of your group i trust you. "
kyrie(maple's girlfriend) you might think this is dangerous alot because you get scared of alot of things youll be ok because you have a whole family beside you.
dante, nero your the oldest people here so im hoping you will do really good through this. ok lets go!


To be continued..................

[poke1024]

okay, you have a lot of mistakes

use word first, and then copy and paste later

I am known for my errorless work

you should also space out the paragraphs when someone is talking

[Zaylo]

The story starts off in the nautlis where maple just finished sealing a hole in it. ''its about time'' maple said "ok you can go home now maple'' So maple goes home and watches tv until he has to pick his two kids (twin, and rican) from school...but instead he gets a phone call from twin. "so twin said he was reading in library class and a book said every 1000 years a strange rock pops up in the middle of sleepy wood and stays there for 2 weeks.'' ''ya so" said maple then twin said "well it says there are 5 items that if someone puts around the rock a evil maple god will come!" "still i dont get why this is so important." maple said "well it said the last time it happened was 1009 so its gonna happen in 3 days!" "holy crap this could be dangerous we have to get the family and try to get those 5 items so that thing doesnt get summoned!" said maple

But while he was talking on the phone some bullies (carmon rapheal and angelo) at school overheard them and they said "wow a maple god happening in 3 days guys that could get our dad outta jail!" said rapheal "no crap " said angelo But while they where talking twin herd them too so he whispers in the phone "dad i think someone already wants to get the items" "what that fast who?!" said maple "these bullies at school they heard us talking and now they wanna get the items to get there dad outta jail!" said twin "well trie to stop them hit them or something " said maple "i cant i could get expelled from school " said twin "ok well imma come pick you up now ok bye" said maple

So maple goes to his school to pick him up early with rican and explan it to him. So instead of running to leafre orbis and all the other places the family is they just called them and told them to meet at maple's house. "So everyones here?" said maple ok rican you may only be 10 years old but you can still help with this twin if we ever split up ur the leader of your group i trust you. " kyrie(maple's girlfriend) you might think this is dangerous alot because you get scared of alot of things youll be ok because you have a whole family beside you. dante nero your the oldest people here so im hoping you will do really good through this. ok lets go!


To be continued.......................

oh ya if like zaylo or brandon reads this atleast keep the fan fiction until atleast ch 3 its gonna get better at that chapter. :3

this "brandon" isnt a mod he couldnt move it if he wanted to

[synn90210]

he means me zaylo. i am the brandon in question.

well.......phew LOTS of mistakes not only just grammar and spelling but LOTS of other things. how bout before u put up the chapters you send them or let me see them and i'll revise them for you

[zach132]

well god its my first time wtiring cut me sum slack god

[zach132]

should i just quit and not try cus no one is gonna like?

[zach132]

i fergot 2 check over it ill edit it right now

[synn90210]

another idea zach DONT TRIPLE POST. just let me see them before you post them so i can help u fix them. its not all that hard

[Duality]

JUst try to not say god like 5 times in a row

[LeoWu]

First of all WOW! You Have Tons of mistakes such as Spelling, Grammer and much much more. You gotta edit! Second of all your chapters are much too short You gotta make them Longer. Another thing is that Your story Ideas and how the story goes are very short. You wanna expand it With detail Ideas, Discriptions and dialouges. You have to write a story as if it was going to be published.
At this rate even a miracle wont get your story published. To be honest I didnt like it at all. The idea
was Good but the way you used it made it useless. After reading the first few sentences I was kinda Repelled from reading the rest. The story wasn't "Attracting or Lureing". What I suggest is that you first stop Posting
and inprove in your writing. You should read Zaylo's FF guide. It's good for starters. Remeber to read during the
summer. Observe how the author writes and thier style. Maybe later on you can make your own personal style like mine.


Remember not to double or triple post at all. Its agianst the rules. I know its fun I use to do it alot
I got 11 warnings XD lol.
Good luck!

[zach132]

well the reason the first chapter sucks is cus i thought right there would be the best time to end it.

and i got a c in grammer and spelling so ya

[LeoWu]

well the reason the first chapter sucks is cus i thought right there would be the best time to end it.

and i got a c in grammer and spelling so ya

A "C" is not good.
A "B" is good
A "A" is Really good, Pro.

Right now, Your story
is a
"I to F"
Gotta make it at least a C-
:)

[synn90210]

Lol leo's actually being nice about this. But he is right zach. You're gonna need to put your story in microsoft word first, revise it, then post it

[jonlin]

or learn how to spell. When we do spelling I always get like an A+....

[LeoWu]

Lol Joilin you get a A+?
Dam your awsome, I get like a B-A
But in school Writing projects I often get over 95% in the writing
but only 80%+ in the Presetation. D:
And when are you and zaylo going to write more FF
Like none of us are writing any at all.
0.0

By the way Zach Rember to use Microsoft for editing. If you have
mac use the spelling Check and
Edit grammer by your self.
Good luck
:)

P.S
You said it was going to get better at chapter 3 but at the looks of what your writing style is right now,
Your chapters arnt goign to get any better at all. The idea might get better but The chapter will still be Repeling.
so Agian, Stop posting and Start getting Better. REMBER to read in the summer!!

[jonlin]

it's remember =p

also, what he said is true. I suggest practice writing short stories for your family, get them to judge them.

[chobbilight]

......you know....2 much critisme is bad...i know you guys want 2 help him but 2 much is bad just let him do another ff and then he does 1 thing good and critis on something else....let him do it in little steps

[LeoWu]

... I barely understood what you were saying 0.0

[jonlin]

he means criticism and chobbilight, it's CONSTRUCTIVE criticism

[chobbilight]

leave my spelling alone
and my grammar
and i know