Dangerous Journey Ch.1

[1LastBreath]

One day in a place so small it didn't have a name. A young boy named Jay and his sister Taylor went for a walk. When the were walking Jay said "Taylor what is that?" Taylor replied "well,it looks like a.......gate or a fence?" They walked up to the fence and the fence had a sign on it it said"NO TRESSPASSING KEEP OUT". Jay thought and said to Taylor"If it says no tresspassing there's kids in there i've never seen before".

Jay saw that they were being attacked by some ghost-like thing.Taylor was suddenly pulled over the fence Jay yelled"Taylor!!!!!!!!" Jay then climbed over the fence to find that the kids and Taylor were...gone. Jay called Taylor's name. Then he ran back to the house and told his mom his mom said....




FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN THE DANGEROUS JOURNEY CH.2

[jonlin]

I don't see the maple so far 0.o also, try to work a little bit on your grammar and when you are showing what something says like your "NO TRESSPASSING KEEP OUT" sign, It is much simpler to just do something like > 'No Trespassing, Keep out.' using the bold bbcode. finally post your story into word or have someone you know read it over for spelling and grammar errors

[1LastBreath]

thx for the help jonlin its a beginner story im not very good

[jonlin]

no, It's great! I just gave you constructive criticism =p it'll make your next chapter that much better!

[LeoWu]

There is no point of reading this.
Zaylo is going to lock it up.
Zaylo gave you a warning from your
last one. gotta be longer. Best to delete it right now and
remake it. The story is like, Not good.
You need to improve on your grammar
and you have to expand your story.
I tell this to everyone so many times it gets frustrating.
expand it with details, more dialogs , Description!
Although i read it i believe the story line is
ok. But put more detail. Like
you said a sign with that said no
transpassing. GIVE IT MORE DETAIL!!!
Example:
The walked up the to Old Wooden sign
slowly as they squinted their eyes. The
Black old ink had almost faded away
As it said 'No Transpassing'
The Hanging sign had been strongly
stained with blood and the ink
had almost blended in with it,
Making it almost impossible to
read. They stood there silently
staring blankly at the sign as the
Wrecked Fence had started to
fall apart. The Sharp ends at the
top of the fences granted Goose bums
On their Arms. Making them scared even
to say a word. "Www-hhat does this
lead to?" Jay asked almost shaking
and terror were in his eyes.they Continued
to stare as Then at a flashing light Everything
went black.

See how much more you can do with that one sentence?!
EXPAND with detail! DIALOGUES and DESCRIPTION.

[jonlin]

don't rant too much. But it is true, you have a lot to improve on. even I, the non-ranter, had a lot more than usual to say.

[Zaylo]

Please make the story longer or each one will be locked.