The war of the classes. Chapter 1

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jviaple
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The war of the classes. Chapter 1

Post by jviaple » Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:02 am

December 3rd 2010, that was when it all started. Zach had just been training the new package of recruits and showing them the ropes of being in the warrior army in Perion. The warrior army was in war with the mages in Ellinia. All the other classes were just trying to stay out of the war as much as possible. Zach just got done showing the last recruit the endure buff move when Sargent Arcan asked if he could see Zach.
Arcan started explaining to Zach so that nobody could hear him and said "Some of our troops say they have seen a large group of mages coming towards Perion, probably an ambush." He then started to explain how they needed to keep everyone calm and escort all of the recruit out of the training area.
What seemed like hours of rushing trying to get all of the recruits out was finally done. Zach grabbed his broadsword and stood his ground outside of the Perion walls holding his sword and shield in a stable stance. The first shot was fired, a fire mage launched his fire arrow right at Zach. He quickly deflected it with his sword not remembering he had a shield. All of the warriors ran towards the mages, and all of the mages ran towards the warriors. Zach was slashing his sword at mages trying to stop any magic he could. Then it happened, Zach finally got hit with the arrow a mysterious hooded fire mage shot at him. One by one dozens of mages started circling him.

Zach thought it was the end of his life, he was thinking of the day he was going to die, December 3rd 2010 on his gravestone. his vision was weakening. Then, all he saw from his line of vision was a bright golden armor killing all of the mages until the last one hit the ground, his head decapitated landing beside Zach. The blurry figure lifted Zach up and was carrying Zach behind his shoulder. His vision started clearing and it was a girl, she was brown haired and looked at Zach.
She said to Zach, "Are you alright?" Zach then said "Ya, let me go I can walk." Almost falling to the ground the girl caught him, "You're hurt too much we need to get you back to the infirmary. At that moment Zach passed out and awoke a few hours later bandaged on his shoulder. Zach thanked the girl and then asked "Whats your name?" The girl replied, "May."
"Well May, Zach said, you were pretty good out there and-"
Zach was then interrupted by Arcan running into the tent yelling "Zach! I heard what happened are you alright!?"
Zach then told Arcan "Yeah, I'm fine thanks to May here."
Thank god, thanks May if it weren't for you I wouldn't have any friends in this war." said Arcan. Arcan let out a little laugh and coughed.
May then handed Zach his sword and shield and said "Here you're lucky I was able to snatch this from a mage fleeing the battlefield."
At that moment the doctor came in and told Zach "Alright Zach you're gonna have to stay away from any battles for the next few days, but I wouldn't worry after that battle they'll be preparing for weeks."
Zach left the tent with what seemed like his new friend, May. Zach quickly ran to his tent and put his broadsword and shield away in his stand and left zippering up the tent behind him.
"Well May, I don't know how to repay you for what you did I mean seriously-"
May let out a little chuckle and said "No need to repay me it was a battle we leave no man or women behind. Zach smiled in cheerfulness.
****************************************************************************************************************************************************
Hey everyone, I would like to say that if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes to report them to me by either Pm'ing me or posting a reply down there (gatorade-2)
Last edited by jviaple on Thu Dec 23, 2010 5:37 am, edited 2 times in total.

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synn90210
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Re: The war of the classes. Ep. 1

Post by synn90210 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:26 am

Facepalm, apply directly to the forehead.

Maybe if you would come out of the house and hang out with brandon and I once in a while then I could show you what you're doing wrong. Your main problem is paragraphs

NEW PARAGRAPH EVERYTIME SOMEONE SPEAKS. I can't stress enough how important that is

dfuzz1987
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Re: The war of the classes. Ep. 1

Post by dfuzz1987 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:09 pm

OH MY GAWD ITS WAY TO LONG!!!
OH MY GAWD THIS ISNT TV WHY IS IT CALLED AN EPISODE!!!
OH MY GAWD WHERES MY PIZZA!!

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jviaple
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Re: The war of the classes. Ep. 1

Post by jviaple » Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:12 am

synn90210 wrote:Facepalm, apply directly to the forehead.

Maybe if you would come out of the house and hang out with brandon and I once in a while then I could show you what you're doing wrong. Your main problem is paragraphs

NEW PARAGRAPH EVERYTIME SOMEONE SPEAKS. I can't stress enough how important that is


Ok, I admit I am an idiot for forgetting the new paragraphs but was it at least better than the first?

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turanza
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Re: The war of the classes. Ep. 1

Post by turanza » Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:30 am

jviaple wrote:
synn90210 wrote:Facepalm, apply directly to the forehead.

Maybe if you would come out of the house and hang out with brandon and I once in a while then I could show you what you're doing wrong. Your main problem is paragraphs

NEW PARAGRAPH EVERYTIME SOMEONE SPEAKS. I can't stress enough how important that is


Ok, I admit I am an idiot for forgetting the new paragraphs but was it at least better than the first?



Yeah, it's alot better then your first attempt, but it still lacks some things... It feels like the story is really rushed into. Take some time explaining the characters and storyline more... Be detailed, but try not to make a whole paragraph about the color of a characters eyes.
How far are you gonna take this story?

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synn90210
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Re: The war of the classes. Ep. 1

Post by synn90210 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:49 pm

turanza wrote:
jviaple wrote:
synn90210 wrote:Facepalm, apply directly to the forehead.

Maybe if you would come out of the house and hang out with brandon and I once in a while then I could show you what you're doing wrong. Your main problem is paragraphs

NEW PARAGRAPH EVERYTIME SOMEONE SPEAKS. I can't stress enough how important that is


Ok, I admit I am an idiot for forgetting the new paragraphs but was it at least better than the first?



Yeah, it's alot better then your first attempt, but it still lacks some things... It feels like the story is really rushed into. Take some time explaining the characters and storyline more... Be detailed, but try not to make a whole paragraph about the color of a characters eyes.
How far are you gonna take this story?


For once I agree with brandon. Unless you really flesh out like why they're at war and other backstories around it, there isn't much you can do. I forsee this being a very short series

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