Tree of Life Chaper 1

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Wizit6134
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Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:23 am

Well this is my first story so I'm not good. So if there is anything bad about it just say it(NICE). Anyway here is my story the Tree of Life:

"Hurry get the water!" shouted a mage, "The Tree of Life is on fire!"
A group of adventurers came holding a huge buckets by thier side. They ran to a giant tree shooting water at it. And on the other side of the tree a great battle was being held. There stood a gang of hermits standing in front of a young man wearing a huge overall dark as the moon's shadow.
"Out of the way!" yelled one of the hermits, "We need to capture the queen!"
The young man nodded and moved away. The hermits start running into the flames which led into the tree. As the first of the hermits went through the young man, the young man reached his leg out fast enough to trip him. Some of the rest stop running while others triped over the hermit that fell first.
As one of the hemits got up, he said, "You don't want to mess with us ok? All we want is the queen of life!"
"You understand that that queen is not just the queen of life," explained the young man, "she also is the queen of Ellina, all pets, and fairies."
"Why do you think we want her!" the hermit took a breath to calm down, "Ok, just get out of the way."
"Well it's too late for that. You burned the Tree of Life. And why would we want to let you get a very important person to this world?" said the young man as he took out a blade.
"So it's a battle you want!?" laughed the hermit, "Well then i'm not a sword kind a person but ok. But who are you anyway?"
"There is no need to show your skills, and my identity." answered the young man as he sliced all the hermits at once.

So wat did u guys think (gatorade-2)
Last edited by Wizit6134 on Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

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pvtsharp
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Re: Tree of Life:Chaper 1

Postby pvtsharp » Fri Nov 12, 2010 11:40 am

3 major problems.

1: It's too short, I can literally cover it with my hand.
2: No description, what does the Tree of Life even look like?
3: Wall of text, put some spaces between each paragraph.

Otherwise the plot is nice and your spelling has no obvious problems.

6/10

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Wizit6134
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Re: Tree of Life:Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:48 pm

ok good cuz im a creative type so i mostly rely on idea but it also affects description. i noticed it to but Y IS EVERYONE MENTIONING THEY COULD COVER IT WITH THEIR HAND (hothead)

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jviaple
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby jviaple » Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:10 am

I'm guessing the tree of life came from the legends of zelda: ocarina of time? (MS1)

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Wizit6134
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:19 pm

i acculy kinda got the insperation from final fantasy. I saw like a beginning of one and the bad guys burned down the town. The usual epic starter (gatorade-2)

dfuzz1987
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby dfuzz1987 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:32 pm

too long
and trees suck :3
why isnt there any funny stories here...

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Wizit6134
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:34 pm

dfuzz1987 wrote:too long
and trees suck :3
why isnt there any funny stories here...

oh im sorry this is just an intro to catch peoples attention (F3)

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LeoWu3
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Re: Tree of Life:Chaper 1

Postby LeoWu3 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:06 am

pvtsharp wrote:3 major problems.

1: It's too short, I can literally cover it with my hand.
2: No description, what does the Tree of Life even look like?
3: Wall of text, put some spaces between each paragraph.

Otherwise the plot is nice and your spelling has no obvious problems.

6/10


Come on bro, Thats a bit too harsh. And why do you bother to rate this?
This is only the intro so put that into kind words.

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Wizit6134
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:07 am

it seemed nice to me. And y r u acting this nice all of a sudden (F6)

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jviaple
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby jviaple » Sun Jan 16, 2011 11:54 pm

Well, it's obviously not the tree of life anymore despite the fact that its dead. (skygar9-2)

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Wizit6134
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Wed Feb 16, 2011 2:43 am

sssh ur gonna end up saying d secret to d story (gatorade-3)

dfuzz1987
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby dfuzz1987 » Wed Feb 16, 2011 2:56 am

Wizit6134 wrote:sssh ur gonna end up saying d secret to d story (gatorade-3)

yay for reviving old topics :D.

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jonlin
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby jonlin » Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:56 am

I
Will
Shoot
Ye
In
The
Eyeball
For
Making
Me
Read
This
Terrible
Story
Again

dfuzz1987
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Posts: 1631
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby dfuzz1987 » Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:05 pm

jonlin wrote:I
Will
Shoot
Ye
In
The
Eyeball
For
Making
Me
Read
This
Terrible
Story
Again


oh shi-

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Wizit6134
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby Wizit6134 » Fri Feb 18, 2011 3:30 am

well i did make a post a long time ago but than something happened and d post came bak. That other guy revived it in d first place

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jonlin
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Re: Tree of Life Chaper 1

Postby jonlin » Fri Feb 18, 2011 5:17 am

so you are saying that your post was from last year, magically changed date to this year, bumping this topic?
which if had not happened would not have caused dfuzz to comment upon said topic?

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Sasha228
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Re: Tree of Life:Chaper 1

Postby Sasha228 » Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:07 pm

Wizit6134 wrote:ok good cuz im a creative type so i mostly rely on idea but it also affects description. i noticed it to but Y IS EVERYONE MENTIONING THEY COULD COVER IT WITH THEIR HAND (hothead)

Because I really can? (skygar9-3)
Can somebody freaking tell me how to get an avatar? I hate this default one. And a signature too? xD


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