princess and pegasus

[Slycer]

It's an interesting idea for a short story, but here are a few tips:

-What you have right now is more of an outline. Instead of trying to jump right into a story, you should try to create a REAL outline first. It will help organize your thoughts into a coherent story.

-You need some background story. There was no real descriptive details about the princess on what she looks like, or her personality for that matter. You need to fully develop the characters and the setting for your readers to feel like they're a part of the story. Some questions you may want to consider to help develop the character are:
=Why would those people want to buy the princess such an expensive gift?
=Does it make sense for these people to chip in to buy her something, when she's already a princess? Shouldn't she already be rich?
=Where did these magical items come from and what caused the reaction leading to the appearance of the pegasus?
=How do these items even correlate to a pegasus (by this I mean that the chalice and the ring don't seem to have any visual or mythological link to a pegasus, so why would these items be used to "summon" one? To add a little more relevance, you may want to place ornate symbols of wings or horses and angels/birds or something of that sort, so that the items at least seem connected to the pegasus)?

-Also, you need to work on your descriptive phrases too. It was a clever metaphor to say the sky was "showered" in comets, but it's a little cliche, and you became a little repetative when you used "shooting stars" to add more description in the same sentence. You should try to pick one or the other.

-I like your attempt to add a little suspense to the story at the end by saying the princess knew something was going to happen, but how did she know? There weren't really any attempts to forshadow later events, so it seems like she came up with this conclusion out of nowhere.

What makes a good story, is the ability of the writer to captivate the reader's mind by making them feel like they are in story through more detailed description about the time and setting. As I said before, character development is arguably the most crucial part in any story. The reader should be able to relate to the characters through the characters' hardships and feelings, and feel as though the fictional characters could be real.

Right now, what you have is an idea. Now what you have to do is create a world of the mystical creatures and complex characters you want to include, that the reader will feel compelled to explore and learn more about. Don't give up, and don't be afraid to ask someone's opinion about your work. It's important for any writer, especially one new to the field, to obtain and outsider's opinion; preferably from someone with literary experience. The outsider can spot holes or problems with the story that you wouldn't have otherwise noticed because in the creator's mind, it all makes sense. It's not hard to create an interesting and exciting world. It's hard to communicate the details of that world so that it's appealing to others.

Good Luck and I hope this helped!
-Slycer

[skygar9]

Actually, the post above actually makes good sence, unlike the other posts, which happen to be noobs who flame.


Coolkid's not done writing so, I guess more info will be revealed later.

[playa4life01]

Um, Coolkid is a girl and Coolkid is so young and writing really good. So.

love is in the air?

[CoolKid]

oh shit ur right DAMN IF FORGOT TO PUT WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!

[omgItsAli]

But if a gay like Justin Beaver can be a star at 14.
why cant ppl publish their book at 9?

Justin Bieber is 16

[CoolKid]

hes still gay? >.< finally
AND GODDAM SYNN I THOUGHT YALL WUZ MAH FRIENDZ

[synn90210]

So the fact that i'm honestly stating what i think means we're not friends? I have nothing against you i just really dont think it's that good of a story.

[CoolKid]

So the fact that i'm honestly stating what i think means we're not friends? I have nothing against you i just really dont think it's that good of a story.

big fat meanie head