S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

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absolfanatic
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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby absolfanatic » Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:55 pm

Ha, I replied! I told you I would!

Sorries xDDDD I can't believe I put it off that long. Nope, it didn't take me two hours--all I remember is that at the time I promised to review, I had a lot of tabs open, so I think I must have gone somewhere else. Then I closed everything in one sweep because I was being chased away (by my tyrant parents xD).

Alright, now to get down to something I should have done a long long while ago.

First thing is that I like your title. I think it's a reference to another fanfic on this site, which I haven't read yet. In that case both titles are good. The fullstops-between-letters is just pretty, yes.

For this story, the grasp of language is practically flawless; I can't complain about technical matters because there's nothing wrong with the writing itself. You have good descriptions of images and weather and other sensory input, in addition, and that makes the experience nicely vivid. As far as I know, the only thing I should mention is that using multiple exclamation marks (!!!) tends to give a rather unpleasant feeling, even in semi-informal writing like this; I'm not sure if anyone else feels the same way though. Some people complain about words in all caps.

Something random I noticed:

"The other figure was in a much worse state...(a lot of description)...It was said that when the Black Wizard died, its energy separated into many pieces after his demise, turning into Chaos Weapons. If used in the right hands, it could be deadly.

Suddenly, Robin sat up, shaking his head."

Starting a paragraph with "Suddenly" right after a bulk of description gives the reader no point of reference--what were they doing before something "suddenly" happened? I know you mentioned what they were doing in the first sentence of the story, but for the sake of the flow and continuity of reading, you should mention it again. Basically link the events properly. In this case, you could mention more actions performed Hikaru and Robin, e.g. poking at the fire, eating something, something that reminds the reader of where the characters are and what they're doing.

More hints on why Robin departed would be nice too. For the count, I liked the part where Hikaru was remembering his battle with Chobbi Light/Gyzen (?) very much, if only for two sentences.

"vessel"--vassal or vessel? A vassal is a servant, and a vessel is a container. Which one you intended, I'm not really sure, but both work in this context so I'm just checking.

As for characters: Somehow, they haven't solidified yet. I can remember individuals, but mainly by name. The only ones vivid enough for me to maintain a flavour of them in mind are the twins (cough familiarity cough), who seem more edgy than the rest . If I'm reading the comments correctly, these characters are shared among a few people. There's this problem, thus, that you seem to only be accommodating readers who already know who the characters are. You introduced a sizable number of characters in this chapter, and most of them only had their appearances and attire described, without much mention of personality.

To me, if you want a reader to remember a character well from first mention, you should describe a character, emphasising traits in this order: personality (often from facial expression, if you're not writing from the character's POV--smirking? gazing pensively? responses to other people?) > appearance (mentioning most prominently the features that make this person stand out from others) > attire (least, usually characters change their attire, so this doesn't figure in the reader's impression that heavily).

Weapons/tools of the trade are good to include, especially if they show the person's occupation or mark the person out from others. I can see you have done that, which is great.

As for storyline, I'm seeing generic epic fantasy themes coming out (is it just me or do certain parts look a little familiar? xDDD) and a lot of fertile ground for plots, though not much of it has begun yet.

Final comment: I LOVE SHARENIAN (heart) WRITE MOAR ABOUT IT PLZZZZ
Final comment 2: Oh Zaylo? I know him! Reviewed one of his fics on FanFiction.net before. His writing is really cool.

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:48 pm

absolfanatic wrote:Ha, I replied! I told you I would!

Sorries xDDDD I can't believe I put it off that long. Nope, it didn't take me two hours--all I remember is that at the time I promised to review, I had a lot of tabs open, so I think I must have gone somewhere else. Then I closed everything in one sweep because I was being chased away (by my tyrant parents xD).

Alright, now to get down to something I should have done a long long while ago.

First thing is that I like your title. I think it's a reference to another fanfic on this site, which I haven't read yet. In that case both titles are good. The fullstops-between-letters is just pretty, yes.

For this story, the grasp of language is practically flawless; I can't complain about technical matters because there's nothing wrong with the writing itself. You have good descriptions of images and weather and other sensory input, in addition, and that makes the experience nicely vivid. As far as I know, the only thing I should mention is that using multiple exclamation marks (!!!) tends to give a rather unpleasant feeling, even in semi-informal writing like this; I'm not sure if anyone else feels the same way though. Some people complain about words in all caps.

Something random I noticed:

"The other figure was in a much worse state...(a lot of description)...It was said that when the Black Wizard died, its energy separated into many pieces after his demise, turning into Chaos Weapons. If used in the right hands, it could be deadly.

Suddenly, Robin sat up, shaking his head."

Starting a paragraph with "Suddenly" right after a bulk of description gives the reader no point of reference--what were they doing before something "suddenly" happened? I know you mentioned what they were doing in the first sentence of the story, but for the sake of the flow and continuity of reading, you should mention it again. Basically link the events properly. In this case, you could mention more actions performed Hikaru and Robin, e.g. poking at the fire, eating something, something that reminds the reader of where the characters are and what they're doing.

More hints on why Robin departed would be nice too. For the count, I liked the part where Hikaru was remembering his battle with Chobbi Light/Gyzen (?) very much, if only for two sentences.

"vessel"--vassal or vessel? A vassal is a servant, and a vessel is a container. Which one you intended, I'm not really sure, but both work in this context so I'm just checking.

As for characters: Somehow, they haven't solidified yet. I can remember individuals, but mainly by name. The only ones vivid enough for me to maintain a flavour of them in mind are the twins (cough familiarity cough), who seem more edgy than the rest . If I'm reading the comments correctly, these characters are shared among a few people. There's this problem, thus, that you seem to only be accommodating readers who already know who the characters are. You introduced a sizable number of characters in this chapter, and most of them only had their appearances and attire described, without much mention of personality.

To me, if you want a reader to remember a character well from first mention, you should describe a character, emphasising traits in this order: personality (often from facial expression, if you're not writing from the character's POV--smirking? gazing pensively? responses to other people?) > appearance (mentioning most prominently the features that make this person stand out from others) > attire (least, usually characters change their attire, so this doesn't figure in the reader's impression that heavily).

Weapons/tools of the trade are good to include, especially if they show the person's occupation or mark the person out from others. I can see you have done that, which is great.

As for storyline, I'm seeing generic epic fantasy themes coming out (is it just me or do certain parts look a little familiar? xDDD) and a lot of fertile ground for plots, though not much of it has begun yet.

Final comment: I LOVE SHARENIAN (heart) WRITE MOAR ABOUT IT PLZZZZ
Final comment 2: Oh Zaylo? I know him! Reviewed one of his fics on FanFiction.net before. His writing is really cool.

let me warn you, if you keep posting long posts like this one
i shall harras you, sexualy afcourse

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby jadeylady96 » Sat Oct 09, 2010 1:02 am

*gets popcorn*

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Sat Oct 09, 2010 1:11 am

jadeylady96 wrote:*gets popcorn*

you want 2 see how i sexuel harras her?
pervert

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby absolfanatic » Sat Oct 16, 2010 5:40 am

Ho, is it a crime in these parts? The long posts, I mean, the sexual harassment certainly isn't.

I will watch the length next time. I personally like long replies, so maybe I was applying my preferences to you. My fault.

Well, long reply for a long chapter?

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby pvtsharp » Sat Oct 16, 2010 5:56 am

absolfanatic wrote:Ho, is it a crime in these parts? The long posts, I mean, the sexual harassment certainly isn't.

I will watch the length next time. I personally like long replies, so maybe I was applying my preferences to you. My fault.

Well, long reply for a long chapter?


If you are the real absol master.....
I've read some of your stuff.... you seem incredibly talented.

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby EternalSorrow » Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:56 pm

AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby pvtsharp » Sun Oct 24, 2010 7:14 am

EternalSorrow wrote:AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*


Ryo, are you even sure that's THE absol master?

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:17 pm

pvtsharp wrote:
EternalSorrow wrote:AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*


Ryo, are you even sure that's THE absol master?

who else would write such a long text, just 2 help some1

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby EternalSorrow » Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:31 am

pvtsharp wrote:
EternalSorrow wrote:AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*


Ryo, are you even sure that's THE absol master?

THE HELL DO I CARE...
Absol... huh....

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby absolfanatic » Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:29 am

pvtsharp wrote:
EternalSorrow wrote:AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*


Ryo, are you even sure that's THE absol master?


I can't prove it, but I suppose I could...um, tell you something that only Absol Master can tell you.
Except I can't think what.

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:26 pm

absolfanatic wrote:
pvtsharp wrote:
EternalSorrow wrote:AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*


Ryo, are you even sure that's THE absol master?


I can't prove it, but I suppose I could...um, tell you something that only Absol Master can tell you.
Except I can't think what.

what are your hobbys?

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby EmberSparks » Wed Nov 17, 2010 12:27 pm

absolfanatic wrote:
pvtsharp wrote:
EternalSorrow wrote:AbsolMaster replied....
*stares dreamily into space*


Ryo, are you even sure that's THE absol master?


I can't prove it, but I suppose I could...um, tell you something that only Absol Master can tell you.
Except I can't think what.

OH MY.... ABSOL MASTER! SO HE WASN'T LYING AT SCHOOL!
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby Berkster » Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:02 am

chobbilight wrote:it was 2 long so i stopped after i saw my name


Chobbi. Shut up anything is 2 long. You read like 10 words and blow up! (hothead)

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Sun Nov 21, 2010 3:09 pm

Berkster wrote:
chobbilight wrote:it was 2 long so i stopped after i saw my name


Chobbi. Shut up anything is 2 long. You read like 10 words and blow up! (hothead)

do i know you?

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby EmberSparks » Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:27 pm

chobbilight wrote:
Berkster wrote:
chobbilight wrote:it was 2 long so i stopped after i saw my name


Chobbi. Shut up anything is 2 long. You read like 10 words and blow up! (hothead)

do i know you?

The only way to COOKIE get him to read a long COOKIE is to put random COOKIE words in a sentence. COOKIE

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby jadeylady96 » Thu Dec 09, 2010 8:26 am

EmberSparks wrote:
chobbilight wrote:
Berkster wrote:
Chobbi. Shut up anything is 2 long. You read like 10 words and blow up! (hothead)

do I know you?

The only way to COOKIE get him to read a long COOKIE is to put random COOKIE words in a sentence. COOKIE

LOL

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:26 pm


that wont work

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby EmberSparks » Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:38 am

chobbilight wrote:
that wont work

The only way COOKIE you could reply is COOKIE to read my post.

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Re: S.H.A.D.E Prologue / G.R.A.V.E Ending

Postby chobbilight » Sun Dec 12, 2010 10:13 pm

EmberSparks wrote:
chobbilight wrote:
that wont work

The only way COOKIE you could reply is COOKIE to read my post.

but your post are short


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