2 Falling Stars (not finished)

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Kal15or12
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2 Falling Stars (not finished)

Postby Kal15or12 » Tue Jun 01, 2010 8:42 pm

2 Falling Stars

In the last book, Falling Star 1, Comet had finally found her other half. On an island called Dying Breath. Along the way Comet ran into a very “interesting” person named Tock. He seemed very nice at first but once Comet mentioned she was looking for her other half her wanted nothing to do with her and tossed her out. She was also looking for her parents who where taken away from her at a very young age. ANYWAYS! Back to the story!

“I can’t believe I finally found you!” said Comet with tears streaming down her face. “I knew you would.” Said North Star (N.S. for short) He wiped the tears away from both Comet’s and his own face. “He has...such a soft touch” Comet thought to herself. “Why are you here?” Said Comet. “What?” N.S. replied “Why are you here. On this island.” “Oh! Well, I needed a place to get stronger.” “Get stronger?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Well, uhh, I’m not sure how to tell you this...” “Tell me what” N.S. hesitated in his reply. “I wanted to get stronger so I could find you...” “Well you don’t really need to get stronger at that to come and find me.” N.S. began to turn red and starch the back of his head. Comet giggled and said, “Was it that you wanted to impress me?” “UMM!” “Haha! I take that as a yes.” “Ugg! I’m such a idiot!” “No! Your not your just cute.” Comet then grabbed his hands and smiled. “Wow.” N.S. thought, “She has...such a beautiful smile.” He then began to turn more red then soon pulled away. “Umm, maybe we should get off this island!” Comet giggled. “Well where do we go after that?”

“How about we find your parents.” Comet instantly stopped smiling and looked away. “How did you know about my parents.” She said in a hurt- kind-of voice. “Uhh!” N.S. didn’t know what to say, he just looked down sad. Comet began to cry again. “Tell me how you know about my parents already.” “Comet...just please not now.” Comet didn’t reply. “Please.” “Fine.” Comet turned around with sad eyes full of tears. N.S. looked up then turned slightly to avoid looking into them. Nether of them spoke for a while. Finally...”I’m sorry” comet said rubbing tears off her face. “Why?” said N.S. looking up at her. “Because I yelled at you.” He laughed. “It’s ok.” He went over to her and hugged her gently. “I got yelled at a lot before I came to this island so I’m used to it.” She giggled. “Well how about we get off this island then.” “So we can find your parents?” “Hmm....yeah.” He let go and held her hand as they went back to the raft that Comet used to get to the island.

Once they where back on Alone...”uhh do you know where were going?” Comet asked. “Of corse I know!” replied N.S. turning red again. “Ok. Ok I was just asking.” three hours later. “You have no idea where were going” “No!” “We’ve been here about ten times already.” “Oh..” “Uggg!” “I’m sorry! It’s just that...I haven’t been here in a long time!” “Well NOW what do we do?!” “Well, maybe we could ask for directions?” “Who in there right mind would be here?!” “Ok. Ok I get what you mean b...” “what?” N.S. said nothing. “Hello? N.S.?” Comet snapped her fingers in front of him but he still said nothing. “We have to get out of here.” Comet jumped. “Woah. Welcome back.” “Come on we have to go!” N.S. said as though he was scared. “Wait. Why?” “Just come on!!” Now Comet was scared. What had happened was N.S. saw the exact same building that Comet entered with all the blood.

“Boo.” said a voice from behind them that made them both jump. It was Tock. “Glad to see me?” Comet became scared. She had seen Tock before when she was looking for N.S. and her parents. N.S. stepped in front of Comet, he knew she was scared of him, and for a different reason as well. “What do you want.” N.S. in an very angry voice. “Oh how rude of you N.S.” Tock replied. “How did he know N.S.’s name?” Comet thought to herself. She was very frightened at this point. “Leave us alone!” Screamed N.S. “Wow. Load.” “Shut up!” Tock laughed evilly. “Oh but there is so much to discuss” Comet looked up at N.S. and saw much anger. “ Don’t you think you should tell your dearest Comet the truth?” Tock was now suddenly next to Comet holding her chin up. Comet backed away with a start. “LEAVE HER ALONE!!!” Tock smirked. “Why? Would you think I would harm her?” “I don’t trust you that’s why.” “Very good.” A second later he was near Comet again with his arm around her shoulder. “Comet suddenly screamed and ended up falling next to N.S. “Comet!” “Come on N.S. don’t you think she deserves the truth?” “What’s he talking about.” Comet asked. “I’m talking about how your N.S. was a part of the Black Bird.” Comet looked shocked then. The Black Bird’s are one of the most feared groups of people on the planet. They do what they please and never get punished for it. “Your-your lying!”Comet said. “He’s not Comet.” N.S. said sadly. “North Star?” “Ahh yes Comet. N.S. here was part of the Black Bird.” Comet shut her eyes and cried.

“Would you like to tell her the rest? Or shall I” N.S. said nothing. “Very well. Comet N.S...” “I’m the one who took your parents away from you.” N.S. interrupted. Comet opened her eyes wide and when N.S. tried to say sorry and wrap his arms around her she shoved him away. “HOW COULD YOU!” she screamed. “Comet please!” “SHUT UP! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!! I’M YOUR OTHER HALF AND YOU DID THIS TO ME?!?! WHY!!!!?!!!” N.S. said nothing. While Tock was enjoying himself. “Comet you have to understand I had no choice!” “STOP LYING TO ME ALREADY!!!!!” “But I’m...” “Oh be quite already. N.S. haven’t you caused enough pain for one say?” Tock interrupted. All went silent.

“Well, this has been entertaining but we must go.” “We?” said both N.S. and Comet “Yes, Comet and I” “No.” N.S. thought.“Stime,” Then suddenly Comet was out cold in the arms of Tock. “Good bye my boy” then in the blink of an eye he was gone. “NOOOOO!!!” Screamed N.S. Banding his fist against the ground. “NO! NO! NO! NO!!...this can’t be happening again...it just can’t....” Somewhere else on Vrion. “Now my dear...It is time it erase your time.” “Erasam”

Just like that. Comet had lost and gained memoire. Tock had made Comet this puppet, he could do anything he wanted with her. “Finally.” Tock said with a evil smirk. “Wha...what happened” Comet said while looking still asleep. “Ahh rest dear. Everything is fine. You got knocked out when we ran into a betrayer.” “Oh...well how did we get here?” “I took us here.” “Ok. Well where are the other members?” “To perfect” “What?” “Nothing! The other members are at the main base.” “Well then why are we here? Lets go back then.”

The main base is where Comet had first encountered Tock. Which was the only building that had some light in Little Light. Once back. “Ok now Comet I want you to wait here.” Comet nodded and was expressionless. Unlike before Tock had to say a password. “Name.” said a voice “White and black don’t mix.”replied Tock “Come in.” Once Tock entered he announced that there was a new member. “Ok so I want you all to be on best behavior” there was silence for about five seconds then everyone busted out laughing. “Let the girl in now!” Once the door opened and Comet came in all went silent again. She still had no expression. Then everyone went back to what they where doing before. “Tock!” said a voice. “Yes?” he replied. “I would like to have a word with you...” “Of corse.” Tock then went into a room separate from everyone.

Meanwhile back at Alone. N.S. was sitting by himself. “I can’t believe it happened again.” he said to himself. “Hey, yea young fellew what yea doing ou here?” A kind of old man said wearing tattered up jeans a dirty white T-shirt. His eyes looked sad but they where a deep, deep blue color. “Uhh...” He sat down next to N.S. “Lose somene.” “How did you know that?” “Cause...I know tha look on ur face. I ha it to..” N.S. looked confused. “Let me guess....she was somethin specil” “She was my other half so yeah she has to be” “Not taking about tha” “then what are you talking about!” He sighed. “If yea ask yea won’t evr know.” N.S. was getting frustrated. “Who are you anyway?” He asked. “Strung’s the name.” “You mean Strong.” “No, Strung like u strung an instrumnt.” “Oh.....so you can control instruments?” “More like music.” “That’s the same thing.” thought N.S. “So why don yea go after tha lass of yers?” N.S. said nothing. “Why didn’t you go after her?” N.S. said at last. “ Couldn.” “Why?” “Just didn go after her....couldn sav her, just sat here upset lik yea.” “Oh no. No. No. NO! I am NOT going to be like you! I’m going to find her” Before Strung could respond N.S. was running toward Little Light. “I was hoping you where gonna say that” Strung thought to himself. N.S. actually knew where Tock had taken Comet. The same thing happened with him. Only difference is it was Comet instead of him. “Don’t worry Comet. I’ll be with you soon.”

Meanwhile....”I know what your thinking but you said yourself we needed a new member.” Tock said. “Shut up.” Replied a voice. Tock said nothing. “I didn’t say I was angry at you. I’m actual proud of you.” Tock looked shocked. “Now I teach her.” said the voice. “What?” “You herd me.” “Yes but!” “But nothing your work is done. Now bring her in.” Tock did not move. “Well?!” “Sorry ma’am” Tock left the room and saw that Comet was enjoying herself among the other members “Comet!” Tock yelled and soon Comet was by him. “Yes?” she said but all Tock did was show her in the room and close the door behind her. “Hello, Comet.”

“Hello.” Comet replied. “Do you remember my name Comet?” said a voice. “Of corse, it’s Note. Like a music note.” “Very good.” “Why am I here may I ask” “because. I wanted to let you know that I shall be training you.” “I am honored.” Note is the leader of the Black Bird she is much stronger then she appears to be. She has long blonde hair, deep, deep blue eyes, She wore a gray dress with music symbols all over it. She had a vest on which was completely black. She is only 20 years old but no one knows for sure. “Shall we start then?” Note said. Comet nodded in agreement.

After a brutal hour of training....”Comet!” Screamed N.S. once he barged in the door panting. “What?” she said confused. “Not him again!” Note thought to herself. “Stay here Comet.” She said. Comet said nothing in return. “Where is she!” yelled N.S. angrily. “Who are you-COMET THAT’S WHO!!” N.S. interrupted. “Calm yourself!” Note yelled. “SHUT UP! TELL ME WHERE COMET IS!!!” “Why should I tell you something I do not know.” “Cause I know you have her!” “Who are you?” Comet had said. Comet had sneaked her way in while N.S. was screaming. “Comet!” N.S. and Note said together. “Note who is this person?” “Comet come here now! He’s nothing but a betrayer of the Black Bird!” Comet suddenly backed away with wide eyes never talking her eyes off N.S. “Comet no! She’s lying!” N.S. said trying to convince Comet. “I don’t believe you.” Comet replied. “Please Comet! It’s me North Star! Your other half! You have to believe me!” Comet said nothing looking at him with wide confused sad eyes. “That can’t be true. My other half died right in front of me a long time ago.” Comet said. With tears starting to roll down her face. N.S. felt like his heart had shattered when he say Comet cry. “Leave, now. You have caused enough pain already.” Note said sternly. She was glaring at him with a slight grimace on her face. N.S. became enraged. “Why don’t you give Comet her true memoire back!”He yelled glaring back at Note. “Shut up pest!” N.S. and Note continued to yell at each other while Comet was watching, silently.

While N.S. and Note where yelling they suddenly busted into a fierce fight. “Muiast!” Note screamed knocking N.S. back against a wall nearly knocking him out. “Strurt!” N.S. yelled shooting giant sparks at Note burning any part of her body that touched them. “COMBUR!!” Comet had screamed at the top of her lungs with tears poring out of her face eyes shut tight. This had sent what looked like a huge ball of pure white light shooting out of her hand. The last thing N.S. remembered was seeing only the tears go down Comet’s face and seeing Note grimace as she put her hands on Comet’s shoulders.

“What happened?” N.S. thought to himself. “Where...did Comet and Note go.” After a while N.S. started to hear familiar voices but he did not know what they where saying. He then saw figures very blurry though. He noticed one was quite dark and had a yellow white blob on top of the black blob. The other figure was a bit smaller showing completely white. N.S. didn’t need to see what the blobs where he knew what and who they where, Comet and Note, he wished he could actually see Comet though. He wanted to see her not be hurt, sad, or angry with him. Afer a while Note had left, and Comet was standing in front of N.S.

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Zaylo
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Re: 2 Falling Stars (not finished)

Postby Zaylo » Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:06 am

I applaud you on the length. The only thing it needs is a blacked cloaked figure with a white and black mask with gold trim. He wears black gloves and shoes. He's a cool person. Call him... Olyaz. Yeah.


In all seriousness I like that this is becoming one of the better series on this site.

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Kal15or12
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Re: 2 Falling Stars (not finished)

Postby Kal15or12 » Thu Jun 03, 2010 2:20 am

Zaylo wrote:I applaud you on the length. The only thing it needs is a blacked cloaked figure with a white and black mask with gold trim. He wears black gloves and shoes. He's a cool person. Call him... Olyaz. Yeah.


In all seriousness I like that this is becoming one of the better series on this site.


Why thank you! I enjoy writing and i become better when i write amd read more. Oh and when some people actually give me helpful advise.

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jonlin
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Re: 2 Falling Stars (not finished)

Postby jonlin » Thu Jun 03, 2010 9:15 pm

lol I'm not going to be Leo, but I just want to say a few things:

you should usually put a break

which is one of these after everyone is done talking, it makes things MUCH easier to understand. in your story we are forced to infer who is talking and sort of puzzle it out, where as a reader should be easily guided in my opinion. all in all the storyline is good, and the length is good too. just work on grammar.

5/10:
length 10/10
story 9/10
grammar/ easiness to read 1/10

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Kal15or12
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Re: 2 Falling Stars (not finished)

Postby Kal15or12 » Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:45 pm

hehe...Yeah I have problems with the grammer and things such as that. What can I say? I'm still learning.

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EternalSorrow
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Re: 2 Falling Stars (not finished)

Postby EternalSorrow » Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:08 pm

8/10
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