die ( part 2 )

[CoolKid]

( srry part 1 the last girl was supposed to be junie )

Junie had a very nice boyfriend whom she loved with all her heart. His name was Daren.
I only heard the words " You... were.... right "
because at that moment Silo snapped again. He ran at me and threw his knife. I was lucky i tripped, cause if i hadnt
silo would have killed me. I grabbed the knife and ran screaming in through the town " SO LONG SUCKER!!! "
because i now was so scared i ran with all my might. I ran to the nearest town and hid in an abandoned building.
To bad for me cause he was on my trail. " Gotcha! " Silo screamed. He picked me up by the shirt and i held the knife.

* shling * I had stabbed the knife through his heart and decided to make a run for it.
I saw him fall to the floor and decided that he was dead. But i couldnt take any chances.
i ran and ran and ran. But once i reached the nearest building, which was abandoned aswell, i stopped and fell to my knees.

TO BE CONTINUED ( yes its getting to the action and blood )

[Whee]

Junie had a very nice boyfriend whom she loved with all her heart. His name was Daren.(<<<Whaaat? No need for a re-intro.)

I only heard him mutter a few words:
"You... were... right."(<<<Only 3 dots are used for these. I forgot what they were called, though...)
At that moment, Silo snapped again. He ran at me and threw his knife. I was lucky I had tripped, because if I hadn't,
Silo would have killed me with the soaring knife. It missed, and it landed right next to where I fell.
I grabbed the knife that landed near me and ran screaming in through the town "SO LONG, SUCKER!!!"(<<<Makes no sense whatsoever, why would you scream if YOU had the knife when he had nothing, LOL)
I was scared, so I ran with all my might. I ran to the nearest town and hid in an abandoned building.(<<<Aren't you in town already?^^^Previous sentence already said you were in the town. Town? TOWN?!)
He had caught up with me. "Gotcha!" Silo screamed. He picked me up by my shirt as I held the knife.

* shling *

I had stabbed the knife through his heart. I saw him fall to the floor and decided that he was dead, but I couldn't take any chances. Not with him. I decided to make a run for it.
I ran and ran. Once I reached the nearest building, which seemed to be empty, I stopped and fell to my knees.

TO BE CONTINUED ( yes its getting to the action and blood )


Is there any "tense" being used?
I find it all jumbled...
Meh, if I must, I shall say...another failure. =/
I probably didn't edit enough, but hey, I'm sleepy atm...

[pvtsharp]

Junie had a very nice boyfriend whom she loved with all her heart. His name was Daren.(<<<Whaaat? No need for a re-intro.)

I only heard him mutter a few words:
"You... were... right."(<<<Only 3 dots are used for these. I forgot what they were called, though...)
At that moment, Silo snapped again. He ran at me and threw his knife. I was lucky I had tripped, because if I hadn't,
Silo would have killed me with the soaring knife. It missed, and it landed right next to where I fell.
I grabbed the knife that landed near me and ran screaming in through the town "SO LONG, SUCKER!!!"(<<<Makes no sense whatsoever, why would you scream if YOU had the knife when he had nothing, LOL)
I was scared, so I ran with all my might. I ran to the nearest town and hid in an abandoned building.(<<<Aren't you in town already?^^^Previous sentence already said you were in the town. Town? TOWN?!)
He had caught up with me. "Gotcha!" Silo screamed. He picked me up by my shirt as I held the knife.

* shling *

I had stabbed the knife through his heart. I saw him fall to the floor and decided that he was dead, but I couldn't take any chances. Not with him. I decided to make a run for it.
I ran and ran. Once I reached the nearest building, which seemed to be empty, I stopped and fell to my knees.

TO BE CONTINUED ( yes its getting to the action and blood )


Is there any "tense" being used?
I find it all jumbled...
Meh, if I must, I shall say...another failure. =/
I probably didn't edit enough, but hey, I'm sleepy atm...

whee, nice criticism.

@coolkid: what whee said was true, you need to reread your works and make sure there arent any problems

[CoolKid]

well it was like 11:00 in the morning so i was kind of bummed out and tired and
i made lots of mistakes.

( but dont worry, once DIE is finished my next one wont have ANY mistakes

[jonlin]

...
I'm trying really hard not to emulate Leo here. I would imitate whee and correct everything, but I'm too lazy and don't have enough time. let me just say this:
ask someone who's an excellent writer and has time and patience, like Zaylo, to correct your story, and put it into a word processor to see what spelling mistakes there are, at least. Finally... try making them longer. Even my shortest chapters are longer than this.

Rating:
1/10
story is cliched, 1/10
grammar... 0/10
spelling 5/10