Demons, Angels, and Maplestory.

[jonlin]

This is A temporary Title because I am too bored to make up a real one. This is a prologue, however the fan fiction will only be continued if people like it.. If people like this, I will make a sign up thread, and please do not spam post, if you rate please give your reasoning.

Demons, Angels, and Maplestory.

Olarith looked beyond the horizon of this realm, the 'Cyber' world. As he looked, he connected his Essence to his eyes and looked for the focus of the Energies at the moment. He was scanning the area when he saw something that looked like a... tornado was the only way to describe it. He was not surprised, merely interested by the latest manifestation of the demonic leader's focus. As he thought about it, he willed his essence to a safe distance from it, and regarded the area it appeared to be moving towards. It was a game, hosted for idle human teenagers to play around in on a 'virtual' character. He felt sorry that the poor humans trying to simply have fun would be disrupted so.

*****************


Rathmire, considered by some to be one of the most powerful demons save the line of kings ever, and by others to be even more powerful secretly, felt a feeling alien to most demons. He felt something called regret. Regret that the king had chosen to invade a 'Cyber' world, a 'game' used by humans. He personally believed that if they attacked a real human area, they would easily harvest enough essence to overtake and defeat the angels before they could defeat them this time. The one thing Rathmire did not realize was that the coming of regret heralded that a change was coming, as Demons had no urge to record history and had never done so. The change that was coming would change the order of this world.

******************

Tioren sighed to himself as he walked through the doors of his house. He dumped his jacket over the banister, his bag in the closet and slowly made his way up the stairs. As he Reached his room, he turned his computer on and threw his socks into a laundry pile, and then sat down on his chair. He swiveled the chair around and faced his computer, now booted up. He typed in his memory as reflex and started up the latest game he was trying, maplestory. He signed in with his 'Nexon' ID and created a new character.




That's the end of this chapter, which was simply a prologue. I am planning to make the chapters for this long, if people like this prologue. If you don't like it, this will end this series.
Finally, please do NOT spam, which in my opinion includes:
XXX ridiculous number out of XXX ridiculous number #2.
Rating with no explanation
Posts containing nothing but 'I Liked it' or 'I didn't like it', please explain your reasons.
Anything not related at all.

[Otaku]

Currently I dislike it.

The story has good potential and many possible outcomes (nice job setting up the fictional world), BUT the grammar and punctuational mistakes and turned me off immediately. Decent description. No HUGE BLOCKS OF TEXT. Not to mention no dialouge or action sequences from the characters. You are being too direct with your narratation and giving too much away. Remember narratation is used to describe everything, not used solely for driving the story forward. Everything in moderation . Well I feel like flaming but I have a feeling I'll be flamed back .

Does that fit your expectations, Caelin?

[jonlin]

Wow, is that a dude in my class who wears glasses, and sits next to aidan and nathan and is very critical?

anyways, I put in a lot of narration mainly to set up the three main focuses for the story, again, this is a prologue. the grammar was mainly my attempt to make it a bit more mysterious..... thanks anyway

[Otaku]

Are you an idiot?
I don't wear glasses. I have better vision than you do. Not to even mention you wear your glasses more than me. I highly doubt you've seen me with glasses more than 5 times in the school year.

Anyways, being critical is good. You'll be able to improve your story much more than if I just tell you how good it was. Or are you too shocked that you can't respond in a mature manner?

[jonlin]

Nah I just wasn't sure if you were who I thought you were.... and so I used a stereotype that I was fairly sure of how you would respond to, and I always explain why I did something when someone criticizes it. I too am a believer of constructive criticism 'Otaku'

[Otaku]

Caelin don't you dare post my real name on here . I'm only using your real life name since everyone else on the forums knows it as well.

[jonlin]

lol I wouldn't. Honestly, I don't think anyone would care what your real name was. Only 3~4 people use my real name on here... meh. Anyways, let's stop the off-topic >.<

Please comment on my story anyone. without spamming.

[chobbilight]

this FF is tottaly missing something spontanous

[jonlin]

If people like it, the action will start in chapter 1~2

[kimariu]

erm what was all that about i didnt even understand it beacuse im a 10 year old kid so ive got freinds

[jonlin]

it was just a prelude to help lead into my story which will come if people like this.

[playa4life01]

erm what was all that about i didnt even understand it beacuse im a 10 year old kid so ive got freinds

wyoowww
10-0
zehma steek, he has friends and you guys dont
ur turn jonlin

[EmberSparks]

this FF is tottaly missing something spontanous

And it's not you.

[playa4life01]

this FF is tottaly missing something spontanous

And it's not you.

yea this time its me

[chobbilight]

this FF is tottaly missing something spontanous

And it's not you.

yea this time its me

no its us

[jonlin]

lol well okay then, playa and chobbi. I might put you in (If I continue it)

BUT I need to know:
who wants me to write this
and who thinks I shouldn't write it.

[playa4life01]

lol well okay then, playa and chobbi. I might put you in (If I continue it)

BUT I need to know:
who wants me to write this
and who thinks I shouldn't write it.

one second let me read it 1st

[jonlin]

lol well okay then, playa and chobbi. I might put you in (If I continue it)

BUT I need to know:
who wants me to write this
and who thinks I shouldn't write it.

one second let me read it 1st

you could have just read it and THEN commented for one thing.... and you posted in a thread created for a story without reading the story..? wow all you really are is a F****** spammer at the end of the day

[EmberSparks]

no its us

Amen.