Maplestory

*New FF alert*Im making this to pass time and to see how good my writing is...
"Wake up,Ask.Today's the day."
"Go away,Mika."
Im Ask,and this is my friend Mika.We're both Vampires.We left our families.We both enrolled in Ziwaka academy 1 week ago.
"But today's the day we have to meet Zakum!We have to fly 700 miles to get there,"Mika said,pulling my Arm.
"Ask me later.I dont care about meeting Zakum,"I said back.
"Fine then,you won't get your pass to stay at the Academy Dorm," Mika said,looking away crossing her arms.
"Wait,Academy dorm?" I said,getting up.
"Yep.There is a Muka machine,and room you keep for yourself," Mika said back.
I thought for a second.Muka,my favorite blood candy.
"Ill go," I replied happily.
We got ready and flew out.It went fine,until we ran into trouble.Mika's wings stopped flapping.And we were right over transforming yetis.They could transform and kill Mika!
"Mika,I'll get you!" I said,flying down to save her.
"Hurry!" she said,screaming.
Apparently,we annoyed the yetis.They went from blobs,to full yetis.
"HURRY ASK!" Mika said,screaming louder then I've heard her scream.
"Grab onto my hand!" I screamed back,reaching my hand down.
She grabbed it tight,and we went towards the dead mine.
We might of hit trouble once,but who knows what is ahead.If we Awaken Zakum he'd kill us.But we arrived when Zakum was talking to Hama and Ska.
"-Chosen ones.You must now take that letter to the Academy master,"Zakum said.
"Ok,"said Hama and Ska together.
They roared back to academy.The roar shook the lair.
"Ah,Mika and Ask,"Zakum said.
"You must remember this message an-"
Mika then said the rest."And deliver it to the dorm master,"She said impatiently.
"Yes.Tell her the following:I need your help.Hama and Ska may of told you a similar message,but this one is real.Habachi is on the rise,killing any vampires in sight.Order all vampires to Ziwaka immedlently.Did you get that?"Zakum said.
"Yes," me and Mika said.
"Good.Now go to the Dorm master!" Zakum said.
Me and Mika telported to the dorm master.
"Zakum sent us back here.He wanted us to tell you the following.I need your help.Hama and Ska may of told you a similar message,but this one is real.Habachi is on the rise,killing any vampires in sight.Order all vampires to Ziwaka immedently," I said.
Kiwa looked over her glasses."Tell Zakum I'll do that.And since you have to live here now,here are your dorm passes.And 20 Muka tokens,"she said,handing us the items.
"Ok," Mika said.


TOO BE CONTINUED.
Rate please.

a few things to say:

grammar and spelling is not bad, but when you make a new paragraph either double space or indent, but you can only indent if you copy it in from MS word. I reccomend just double spacing paragraphs. Anyways, this makes things easier to organize in the reader's head, and clearer when someone new is talking, as opposed to when it's the same person. other than that it is fairly good, try to add a little more description into it, for example instead of:

MsMeowzers wrote: We got ready and flew out.It went fine,until we ran into trouble.Mika's wings stopped flapping.And we were right over transforming yetis.They could transform and kill Mika!
"Mika,I'll get you!" I said,flying down to save her.
"Hurry!" she said,screaming.
Apparently,we annoyed the yetis.They went from blobs,to full yetis.
"HURRY ASK!" Mika said,screaming louder then I've heard her scream.
"Grab onto my hand!" I screamed back,reaching my hand down.
She grabbed it tight,and we went towards the dead mine.

you could put

jonlin wrote: After that, I Quickly Brushed my teeth, had a shower, brushed my hair etc. etc. once I was ready I walked out of the pink bathroom and down our blue hallways to the front door, mahogany of COURSE. Mika stood there impatiently with her brown scabbard strapped to her back and her sword in it in case we were attacked. She opened the front door and as I had never gotten used to the height from our roost, I was a bit scared of jumping off the edge, after all what if my wings didn't work? Although Mika has always made fun of me for this, I never leave without hovering inside for a bit. After I was done with my little habit, I strapped on my sword to my back and jumped off after Mika. I loved the feeling of flying once I got into it. I had always seemed to get a rush from flying ever since my first time at five. After a few hours of quietly remembering my childhood, I was startled by mika suddenly crying out. Her wings had... stopped flapping! I hovered astonished for a moment before dive bombing after her. As I rushed to catch her, I looked to the ground below. it was a herd of Jr. Yeti's... no wait. While we were hurtling towards the ground the started to... mutate? their bodies grew grotesquely and all of a sudden they were full blown yetis! While I may have been able to take on a herd of Jr Yeti's WITH Mika, I definitely couldn't take on a herd of Yeti's all by myself. I focused on mika and as we were about 50 feet above the ground, I caught up to her. I caught her by the stomach and flared my wings to try and stop our descent. the yetis were now about 20 feet below us and jumping. as we drifted forwards, I thought we were doomed until... a thermal! I quickly used my wings to take advantage of it and the thermal rocketed me and Mika up to 600 feet again. I would drift for a while forwards, holding Mika, who had fainted, until the next thermal and basically jump up with it and drift again. after about 20 minutes, Mika woke up groaning. I asked her, "are you alright?"

After a few more moments of groaning she became aware of where she was and suddenly blushed. "Sorry about fainting back there," she muttered "that was just so shocking..."

I smiled at her and then she opened her wings, which were now working, and we quickly flew the rest of the way rather uneventfully. Once we came into sight of Zakums cave, we landed. We had no reason to be disrespectful. We slowly walked into the dead mine.

well then again I had to change a few things to make it detail able , but you should get the drift.

I tried to Indent,but it phailed me X.X

MsMeowzers wrote:*New FF alert*Im making this to pass time and to see how good my writing is...
"Wake up,Ask.Today's the day."
"Go away,Mika."
Im Ask,and this is my friend Mika.We're both Vampires.We left our families.We both enrolled in Ziwaka academy 1 week ago.
"But today's the day we have to meet Zakum!We have to fly 700 miles to get there,"Mika said,pulling my Arm.
"Ask me later.I dont care about meeting Zakum,"I said back.
"Fine then,you won't get your pass to stay at the Academy Dorm," Mika said,looking away crossing her arms.
"Wait,Academy dorm?" I said,getting up.
"Yep.There is a Muka machine,and room you keep for yourself," Mika said back.
I thought for a second.Muka,my favorite blood candy.
"Ill go," I replied happily.
We got ready and flew out.It went fine,until we ran into trouble.Mika's wings stopped flapping.And we were right over transforming yetis.They could transform and kill Mika!
"Mika,I'll get you!" I said,flying down to save her.
"Hurry!" she said,screaming.
Apparently,we annoyed the yetis.They went from blobs,to full yetis.
"HURRY ASK!" Mika said,screaming louder then I've heard her scream.
"Grab onto my hand!" I screamed back,reaching my hand down.
She grabbed it tight,and we went towards the dead mine.
We might of hit trouble once,but who knows what is ahead.If we Awaken Zakum he'd kill us.But we arrived when Zakum was talking to Hama and Ska.
"-Chosen ones.You must now take that letter to the Academy master,"Zakum said.
"Ok,"said Hama and Ska together.
They roared back to academy.The roar shook the lair.
"Ah,Mika and Ask,"Zakum said.
"You must remember this message an-"
Mika then said the rest."And deliver it to the dorm master,"She said impatiently.
"Yes.Tell her the following:I need your help.Hama and Ska may of told you a similar message,but this one is real.Habachi is on the rise,killing any vampires in sight.Order all vampires to Ziwaka immedlently.Did you get that?"Zakum said.
"Yes," me and Mika said.
"Good.Now go to the Dorm master!" Zakum said.
Me and Mika telported to the dorm master.
"Zakum sent us back here.He wanted us to tell you the following.I need your help.Hama and Ska may of told you a similar message,but this one is real.Habachi is on the rise,killing any vampires in sight.Order all vampires to Ziwaka immedently," I said.
Kiwa looked over her glasses."Tell Zakum I'll do that.And since you have to live here now,here are your dorm passes.And 20 Muka tokens,"she said,handing us the items.
"Ok," Mika said.


TOO BE CONTINUED.
Rate please.

First of All, Jonlin,
You never rated.
Second Of all.
My eyes were Totally bleeding.
That Was Just One big Blob.
First.
I wanna say.
If I was to Rate it.

2/10.

The beginning of an FF.
IS IMPORTANT.
You need to let the Reader know
The full detail of your Storyline.
In order to make it an good one.
Your story was like an "FlyBy"
Nothing was Interesting.
The Fighting scene was
Jerked to much making it
Sound not what you expect it.
You didn't say Who was talking.
Just

"Talk"
"Talk"
On the Beginning.
It Confused me and probably other readers.
O_O and Also it kept changing from First narrator
To 3rd.
Very confusing cause the First narrator was not
Quoted.
O_O
in your "Style"
Let me Give you an Bit of Updating.

"We got ready and flew out.It went fine,until we ran into trouble.Mika's wings stopped flapping.And we were right over transforming yetis.They could transform and kill Mika!"
that is an Flyby.
When you can expand it into so much more.
"We Walked out into the Dark Eerie Night
As We Got Our wings Ready to Fly.
Blinded by the Sun I walked into the
Darkness. Getting ready to take off
I Went first. Bolting Straight ahead.
I just at the Edge, Flapping my
Wings as I glided through the air.
I smiled as I looked around the Atmosphere.
The Mere Sunlight that reflected off the snow
Blinded Me a bit as I Squinted Forward to help my sight.
Not so Fortunate for Mika.
I Glanced at her as her Eyes came upon mine.
Her Face Was covered in Horror as her
Wings Stopped Flapping. She Screamed as
She Fell down. As if it was in slowmotion

I watched her.

Paralyzed.

I looked below us As my Face Then,
Got Filled with terror too.

The Transforming Yeti.
They were Right below us.
I looked around Seeing what i should do.
My Nervousness was making me flap Harder
Causing me the Go up higher.

"I must Go down to Save her!"

My mind told me.

"Im going to get Killed if i go down!"

My heart told me.
My Wings Eventually started flapping
So hard it make me lose control.

"Mika shes my best Friend!" I thought quickly.
"I gotta go save her!"

As Without hesitation I Stopped flapping as I bolted through
The air. Down like an bullet.
I must go down..
I thought.

Mika was in danger.
Mika her self were scared.
Mika.
She was near Death."

Sorry about the grammer and all
Im lazy.
Anywyas That that little sentence could be
Expanded so much more.
You need to learn.
go read and See the style each other
Gives.
Observe and learn.
Yea well Have an Good thanksgiving!

Critics,critics X.x
1.IM JUST 9! I dont know much this stuff.
2.My class DOESNT EVEN TEACH WRITING.

lol we both said basically add more detail. try to develop one style of detail, and stick with that.

Ugh. This is exactly What i Hate.
Dont you Dare tell me
"Oh im 9!"
"I just started writing!"
Or any of that.
If you dont know how to Write an FF.
THEN DONT WRITE IT.
GOD.


P.S and jonlin Answer Her question.
You never rated it

Try reading advanced books (400+ pages or 250+ if it's really small print), that's one thing that seems to help. I would recommend some but my tastes seem to be obscure. Basically, just find a series or two you like and use the style in them to help you develop your own style of writing. Mine is slightly modeled after a Raymond E. Fiest.

sry I just suck at rating stuff so I'm not going to rate it, and don't call us critics when you asked for input

MsMeowzers wrote:Critics,critics X.x
1.IM JUST 9! I dont know much this stuff.
2.My class DOESNT EVEN TEACH WRITING.

if you're gonna post it be ready for the criticism. it doesnt matter if you're nine or thirty seven. if its not good people will tell you. and....its not

3/10 dont ask me why u already know it

Mizuky dont Act in an Cocky Attitude.

MsMeowzers wrote: Blah Blah Blah

The title and author were the only things i needed to see.

0/10 Not worth the time.

The storyline is mental, Why the hell does Zak use vampires?

Its a maple world with Vampires everywhere. Zak is friends to Vampires. He also made Muka in there

LeoWu wrote:Mizuky dont Act in an Cocky Attitude.

what ockytitud

You spelled cocky wrong.
If you dont know what cocky is
Then You should write FF at all.

LeoWu wrote:
First of All, Jonlin,
You never rated.
Second Of all.
My eyes were Totally bleeding.
That Was Just One big Blob.
First.
I wanna say.
If I was to Rate it.

2/10.

The beginning of an FF.
IS IMPORTANT.
You need to let the Reader know
The full detail of your Storyline.
In order to make it an good one.
Your story was like an "FlyBy"
Nothing was Interesting.
The Fighting scene was
Jerked to much making it
Sound not what you expect it.
You didn't say Who was talking.
Just

"Talk"
"Talk"
On the Beginning.
It Confused me and probably other readers.
O_O and Also it kept changing from First narrator
To 3rd.
Very confusing cause the First narrator was not
Quoted.
O_O
in your "Style"
Let me Give you an Bit of Updating.

"We got ready and flew out.It went fine,until we ran into trouble.Mika's wings stopped flapping.And we were right over transforming yetis.They could transform and kill Mika!"
that is an Flyby.
When you can expand it into so much more.
"We Walked out into the Dark Eerie Night
As We Got Our wings Ready to Fly.
Blinded by the Sun I walked into the
Darkness. Getting ready to take off
I Went first. Bolting Straight ahead.
I just at the Edge, Flapping my
Wings as I glided through the air.
I smiled as I looked around the Atmosphere.
The Mere Sunlight that reflected off the snow
Blinded Me a bit as I Squinted Forward to help my sight.
Not so Fortunate for Mika.
I Glanced at her as her Eyes came upon mine.
Her Face Was covered in Horror as her
Wings Stopped Flapping. She Screamed as
She Fell down. As if it was in slowmotion

I watched her.

Paralyzed.

I looked below us As my Face Then,
Got Filled with terror too.

The Transforming Yeti.
They were Right below us.
I looked around Seeing what i should do.
My Nervousness was making me flap Harder
Causing me the Go up higher.

"I must Go down to Save her!"

My mind told me.

"Im going to get Killed if i go down!"

My heart told me.
My Wings Eventually started flapping
So hard it make me lose control.

"Mika shes my best Friend!" I thought quickly.
"I gotta go save her!"

As Without hesitation I Stopped flapping as I bolted through
The air. Down like an bullet.
I must go down..
I thought.

Mika was in danger.
Mika her self were scared.
Mika.
She was near Death."

Sorry about the grammer and all
Im lazy.
Anywyas That that little sentence could be
Expanded so much more.
You need to learn.
go read and See the style each other
Gives.
Observe and learn.
Yea well Have an Good thanksgiving!

look another ff

LeoWu wrote:First of All, Jonlin,
You never rated.
Second Of all.
My eyes were Totally bleeding.
That Was Just One big Blob.
First.
I wanna say.
If I was to Rate it.

2/10.

The beginning of an FF.
IS IMPORTANT.
You need to let the Reader know
The full detail of your Storyline.
In order to make it an good one.
Your story was like an "FlyBy"
Nothing was Interesting.
The Fighting scene was
Jerked to much making it
Sound not what you expect it.
You didn't say Who was talking.
Just

"Talk"
"Talk"
On the Beginning.
It Confused me and probably other readers.
O_O and Also it kept changing from First narrator
To 3rd.
Very confusing cause the First narrator was not
Quoted.
O_O
in your "Style"
Let me Give you an Bit of Updating.

"We got ready and flew out.It went fine,until we ran into trouble.Mika's wings stopped flapping.And we were right over transforming yetis.They could transform and kill Mika!"
that is an Flyby.
When you can expand it into so much more.
"We Walked out into the Dark Eerie Night
As We Got Our wings Ready to Fly.
Blinded by the Sun I walked into the
Darkness. Getting ready to take off
I Went first. Bolting Straight ahead.
I just at the Edge, Flapping my
Wings as I glided through the air.
I smiled as I looked around the Atmosphere.
The Mere Sunlight that reflected off the snow
Blinded Me a bit as I Squinted Forward to help my sight.
Not so Fortunate for Mika.
I Glanced at her as her Eyes came upon mine.
Her Face Was covered in Horror as her
Wings Stopped Flapping. She Screamed as
She Fell down. As if it was in slowmotion

I watched her.

Paralyzed.

I looked below us As my Face Then,
Got Filled with terror too.

The Transforming Yeti.
They were Right below us.
I looked around Seeing what i should do.
My Nervousness was making me flap Harder
Causing me the Go up higher.

"I must Go down to Save her!"

My mind told me.

"Im going to get Killed if i go down!"

My heart told me.
My Wings Eventually started flapping
So hard it make me lose control.

"Mika shes my best Friend!" I thought quickly.
"I gotta go save her!"

As Without hesitation I Stopped flapping as I bolted through
The air. Down like an bullet.
I must go down..
I thought.

Mika was in danger.
Mika her self were scared.
Mika.
She was near Death."

Sorry about the grammer and all
Im lazy.
Anywyas That that little sentence could be
Expanded so much more.
You need to learn.
go read and See the style each other
Gives.
Observe and learn.
Yea well Have an Good thanksgiving!

I just realized that this post is longer than both of her stories 0.o

thats what i wanted 2 say

Just let me make my fanfic how I want to.

I dont think You would want to.
We dont like Reading with our eyes bleeding.
If you suck at something,
then just stop.
Get better than try agian.